Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
