I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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