Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
