Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
