I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
