in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
