Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
