I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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