i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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