I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
