hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
barbara walters just said penis...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
