three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
