The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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