Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
