I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
