ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
