you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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