I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
