If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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