There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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