If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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