Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
