If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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