I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
