Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize