I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
