I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
