why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
