did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
