My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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