its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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