So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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