So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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