i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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