we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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