If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
