Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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