i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
