The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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