took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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