Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
