I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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