What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
