If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
