She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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