Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
