I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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