i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
