Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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