Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
