we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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